Practicing Well at Being Married

Usually a conversation like this continues back and forth until someone blows up or shuts down, or both. Once a discussion in marriage becomes a competition to be loved, respected, heard, valued, etc., conflict is soon to follow. But why? First of all, Scripture is clear that “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Prov 15:1). We have no assurance from scripture that stubbornly asserting our wants, or pointing out to our spouses their faults will result in relational peace and harmony. Marital research bears this out. Author and Professor of Psychology John Gottman says, “The research shows that if your discussion begins with a harsh startup, it will inevitably end on a negative note, even if there are a lot of attempts to “make nice” in between. Statistics tell the story: 96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen-minute interaction! A harsh startup simply dooms you to failure.” (Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work p. 27). Clearly, engaging in an adversarial debate in an attempt to influence my spouse to accept my view is a doomed endeavor.

We have multiple opportunities each day to strengthen the connection we have in marriage through our daily interaction and communication, and that also includes when we have disagreements! Even in the midst of opposing viewpoints, spouses still have the opportunity to demonstrate to each other that even though we disagree, we can still 

• show and treat each other respect and dignity
• demonstrate to each other that what you’re feeling right now matters, even if I don’t understand it or think it’s warranted
• interact with each other in a way that is open and inviting, instead of defensive and closed off  (even if I think my spouse is being unreasonable).

However, this takes effort and practice. If you want to have interaction characterized by peace and kindness in the midst of disagreement, these practices are essential: 

1. Couples have to identify the patterns of communication in marriage, and be honest in identifying the ones that repeatedly lead to division, distance, and disconnect. No matter how passionate you feel about or believe your point of view, so does your spouse. If we hold to our positions in a stubborn and defensive way without being open to the other person’s point of view, we are adversaries. (For a fuller degree of progress, both spouses eventually need to identify and agree where they have patterns of interaction that end in a repeated disconnect and division. If only one admits this there can be progress, but it will be limited) 
2.  In order to become allies instead of adversaries, both spouses need to identify and name the pattern as the problem, and not view the other person as the problem. This does not mean your spouse isn’t being stubborn, unreasonable, angry, cold, etc. However, focusing on the other person as the primary problem will eventually stir up anger, defensiveness, stonewalling, etc., and this will lead us to relate like adversaries. But if we acknowledge we have a repeated pattern that ends in division, it makes it more likely we can become allies who are able to work together on a problem pattern. (for more teaching on this, psychologist and marital author Sue Johnson has written extensively on this topic).
3.  Each spouse must zero in on and give attention and effort to his/her own contribution to the pattern, and not direct focus toward what the other person is doing or not doing to contribute toward the pattern.

Here is an example of how this can work. Suppose Matthew and Avery are in a conflict. Avery is frustrated at Matthew over some issue. However, Matthew disagrees with Avery as to what she’s saying caused this. Here are some things Matthew can do to promote peace and make it easier for them to relate like allies working on their pattern:

1.  Instead of contradicting or defending himself to Avery, Matthew can say “Tell me why that’s frustrating you.” Here Matthew is demonstrating that he’s willing to put Avery’s frustrations above justifying himself to Avery for his behavior. This sends a message from the beginning that though he may disagree, it matters as much to him that Avery is frustrated. And it makes it less likely that Avery will feel the need to continue to emphasize her point, since Matthew has abandoned a defensive posture. 
2.  Next Matthew can say to Avery “Tell me how these things are affecting you.” Again, before Matthew asserts how he views the issue and thinks it should be solved, he is communicating to Avery that it is more important for him to understand what impact he’s having  on his wife. Again, this demonstrates to Avery that Matthew cares about what she’s experiencing, and this helps her be more gentle in the way she communicates, and she can be open to trusting he wants to reconcile more than get his way.
3.  Now Matthew can demonstrate an open and inviting demeanor instead of a closed off or defensive one. He can say, “Tell me what you would like from me.” This says to Avery I’m open and willing to work on my contribution to our pattern. Matthew is making the start up gentle and cooperative, and helps set the tone for Avery to relate to him in a similar fashion, showing the same concern and care for Matthew that he did for her.

James 3:13-18 says “Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.” This passage is clear that God deems it more important that we relate to each other in ways that are “peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy” (even if we don’t get our own way) than to push one’s agenda and  treat my spouse in way that results in disorder and discord. As couples practice this way of communicating in conflict, the “harvest of peace” God wants to produce in our marriage can build reserves of trust and love, immeasurably more powerful than spouses arguing their views with the foolish hope that impassioned and self-focused “logic” produces intimacy.