Marriage, Pride and the Gift of Being Needy

Those are the words of the risen, reigning Jesus in Revelation 3 to the church at Laodicea. The Laodicean Christians were basking in self-sufficiency. They couldn’t see their own wretchedness and spiritual need, and as a result they had a lukewarm faith and were even being led into heresy. Christ rebukes them sharply for their hardness, but goes on to extend a beautiful invitation to intimacy with Him. “Buy from me fire-refined gold so that you’ll be rich, and white garments so that you’ll be clothed, and that the shame of your nakedness won’t be exposed.”

Whether we call it self-sufficiency, stubborn independence, or just plain old pride, our human determination to “go it alone” can take us in some very painful directions. This is especially true in marriage, that most intimate of all human relationships. The “dream” of marriage is that it will ease loneliness through emotional intimacy and sexual connection. The reality is that intimacy and connection are difficult to sustain, especially for people who didn’t receive much warmth as children. Intimacy requires bringing another person behind our “mask,” allowing them to see some pretty unpleasant parts of ourselves. How will they react? Will they judge our weaknesses, turn our own failures against us, or even abandon us in it? Pride is a great defense against people who might hurt us, but it also leaves us alone and vulnerable.

The hallmarks of pride are an unwillingness to seek help or take criticism, along with a very critical attitude toward others. This is not always easy to see in ourselves, especially if we’re “quietly proud.” While a classic narcissist openly elevates himself and belittles other people, a quietly proud person may seem humble on the outside but feel very judgmental and emotionally shut-down on the inside. In marriage this may look like “keeping score,” fostering contempt for the other person, or nurturing old grievances. I do all the work in this relationship. She’ll never change. Since he always forgets my birthday, I’ll pretend I don’t remember his. The proud person may learn to control his partner through some mix of bullying, complaining, or withdrawing, but he never gets real intimacy—the thing he needs and wants. Pride never leads to love.

Occasionally marriage unites two proud people. I know a couple who got married young and didn’t realize how much they had to learn. Shortly after the wedding, an older couple at church told them that they would probably have to learn how to communicate and compromise on household tasks, parenting duties, etc. The young couple viewed the older couple with scorn. Apparently, those people didn’t love each other enough to just figure marriage out without having to work at it! The young couple’s relationship was going to be soooo different from the older couple’s. The young husband would naturally offer to help with household chores, even though he had never shown interest before. The young wife, who didn’t like domestic jobs any more than he did, would display endless tolerance for his selfishness, just because she loved him. Sex, money, and in-laws would be a breeze. 

You can probably guess how that went. The proud young couple ended up having all the same road bumps and difficulties as everyone else. They both behaved selfishly, they both smoldered with resentment at the other person, and they both felt sorry for themselves. In the end, they had to read all the same books, go to all the same retreats and sit with the same marriage counselors as many other people. But the process was made much harder internally by their own misplaced pride—thinking they needed no one else to tell them what to do or help them grow emotionally and practically.

The thing is, God didn’t create any of us to “go it alone.” We all need other people to help us grow. But just as plants won’t grow past the space you provide for them (at least without turning into an ugly tangle), we only grow within the boundaries of the intimacy we enjoy with other beings. Marriage offers the greatest opportunity for growth due to the size of its challenges. A spouse is always there, a witness to so many of our best qualities and also many of our worst. Unless you decide to take up residence in different states, you just can’t fool each other. You’ll be exposed.

If that sounds intimidating, then you’re a normal human being who struggles against the temptations of pride and self-protection. If it sounds impossible, then you may already have been hurt in the past either by parents who didn’t know how to love unselfishly, or by a difficult or abusive partner. Nothing is as painful as having your need for intimacy ignored or abused by someone who should have protected your heart. Some people hurt us twice over—first by denying us their love and then by hardening us against intimate relationships in the future. If you’re a victim of that kind of abuse, you need a supportive community and room to heal.

Back to Revelation 3. In denying or ignoring their need for spiritual help and correction, the Laodiceans were missing out on intimacy with Jesus. Ironically, in their unacknowledged weakness they were courting shame—the very thing that proud people fear the most. For me, it’s comforting to hear Jesus inviting them into spiritual wealth and comfort, urging them to “buy from me fire- refined gold so that you’ll be rich, and white garments so that you’ll be clothed, and that the shame of your nakedness won’t be exposed.” 

In a spiritual context, to give up pride and admit our need is to be clothed by Christ in sparkling white raiment. This is a Biblical representation of saving, protecting love in which there is no spot of shame or spiritual ugliness. Jesus will reveal our faults, but not to hurt us or abandon us—only to sanctify us and share His glorious inheritance with us. Because of His perfect knowledge of us and love for us, we can look to Him for the security we need going into human relationships, including marriage.

In the context of marriage itself, giving up pride and admitting our need for another human being will probably not end with our spouse dressing us in white robes. Or even doing the laundry. Other people are as flawed as we are, and there are real risks in opening ourselves to any creature made of flesh and blood. Marriage brings risk. Yet marriage is a true “spiritual greenhouse.” It offers real opportunities for joy and growth, and when we set aside self-protection and put our hope in God’s care for us, we give Him the risks, even as He invites us to share in the glory.

Intimacy in marriage brings many challenges. Security comes not from perfect control and self-protection through the challenges, but from trusting Jesus to abide with us even through failure and disappointment. The certain reward is more intimacy with Him. Some questions to help you recognize your own tendency to pride and/or self-protection in your marriage:

• Do you keep score with your spouse—a running tally of winners and losers, givers, and receivers? Pride pushes us toward a “rules” mentality rather than a “grace” mentality. Marriage becomes a competitive sport that nobody wins.
• Do you keep your sins against your spouse a secret and wonder if they’re keeping secrets from you? Self-protection makes us project our own faults onto others. The result is that we are always policing and can never feel really secure. 
• Are you defensive, even when your spouse talks to you in a kind way about an issue? Pride tells us to pretend we don’t have faults and push the blame back on our spouse. Faith says to let
  down defenses and trust. 
• Do you want a better marriage or does it seem less risky to keep things the way they are? Self-protection tells us not to dream of anything better because we will probably end up disappointed or hurt.
• Is it hard to express gratitude toward your spouse for anything because you don’t think they deserve it? Gratitude is crucial for relationship growth, but (since intimacy is threatening) pride keeps us from taking the first steps toward that growth. Pride also tends to downplay personal faults and play up a spouse’s faults.
• Has your spouse asked you to do something like go to marriage counseling or read a book? Did you say no or put if off as long as possible? Pride says that it would be really embarrassing to let a stranger see our faults or to put effort into doing better and then fail. Faith says, “Admit you’re wretched and miserable…let me clothe you in white raiment."