Caring for Our Aging Parents Overview

Life is full of transitions. One of the hardest transitions is caring for elderly parents. This transition occurs most effectively when grown children are able and willing to help, and elderly parents recognize their need for assistance and are open and receptive to receiving it. However, this best-case scenario often does not happen. In counseling others through these transitions, I have found them to be much more complicated than necessary. It can be hard to give and receive, and unless family members have been practicing these postures, they are not ready to enact them when necessary. 

Try and initiate this process pre-emptively. The earlier this process starts the better. Unfortunately, changes often come because of breakdowns instead of pre-planning. You may have to give yourself room for ongoing grief that such a vulnerable time in relationship with your parents is not as connected and redemptive as you hoped. If parents are not willing and open to receiving help, they often don’t take it until they must. I have worked with numerous families where aging parents didn’t take help until they had to (e.g., they had a bad fall and began needing assistance), and this was painful for adult children to watch when it could have been avoided. 

Bullet Point Reminders:

● Initiate Open Contact: Try to build trust and invite aging parents to describe their hopes, fears, and wishes. Do this at a time when you are prepared to listen. The first time it would be good to listen and make notes, and then have a couple of follow up conversations where you consolidate the information. 

● Home Safety & Environment: To prevent falls, install grab bars, use non-slip mats, improve lighting, and remove clutter. Consider alert systems and helpful technology such as Ring doorbells. 

● Financial & Legal: Try and promote open conversation about future care, finances and legal matters. The legal documents to have in place are a Will, Durable Power of Attorney for Finances, and Healthcare Power of Attorney (or Medical POA) to appoint decision-makers; plus an Advance Healthcare Directive (or Living Will) to specify endof-life care wishes, and a HIPAA Release to allow doctors to share info, ensuring their wishes are followed if they become incapacitated. A Revocable Living Trust can also help manage assets outside of probate. 

● Maintain Independence: Try to move forward in a way that promotes their independence as much as possible. 

● Promote Body Movement: Walking/swimming, strength exercises (chair exercises and/or light weights), balance (e.g., standing on one foot), and flexibility (stretching/Yoga). 

● Encourage Social Life: Isolation will contribute to a quicker slide toward decreased health. There may be opportunities your parents won’t initiate but with some brainstorming and encouragement, they may foster connections they wouldn’t have alone. 

● Medical: Organize Medical contacts, help schedule appointments, and coordinate transportation. Review and list medications and prescribing physicians. Make sure a primary care doctor has reviewed all medications for interactions and adherence.