Scriptural References on Boundaries
Part of employing healthy boundaries is the practice of setting limits on how much responsibility one takes on for another person’s sinful and/or destructive attitudes or behavior. It’s often difficult in a relationship to strive for and attain a loving and just relational balance that builds up and honors both people.
Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships where it only goes well if we do all the “heavy lifting” in order to please the other person, or else face their anger or disappointment Often, however, we unknowingly end up taking unwarranted responsibility for another’s happiness. This often results in us unwittingly giving another person power to stir up anxiety and disruption in our lives. We need a boundary that helps us grow in discernment and guard us from taking on a false sense of responsibility for another’s damaging behavior.
Consider Jesus’s response over the Jew’s multi-generational stubborn refusal to embrace the offer of God’s salvation in what is commonly referred to in the Scripture as the “Lament Over Jerusalem”:
O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you were not willing! Behold, your house is forsaken . . .” (Luke 13:34-35a)
Let’s look at the components, because most of us will identify with what Jesus is saying and feeling:
- The Rejected Sacrificial Effort: “the city that kills the prophets” – Here Jesus sorrowfully reflects over the literal centuries of sacrificial love, invitations, and opportunities he has extended to the nation of Israel, only to be rejected time and again. So many of us have experienced this type of dynamic where our repeated efforts and sacrifices are spurned.
- The Abiding yet Unfulfilled Desire: “how often I would have gathered” – Jesus is saying even after the many years of their resistance his desire to gather them remains passionate. Certainly many of us remain hopeful and desire our efforts will one day make a difference.
- The Pivot – “and you were not willing . . .your house is forsaken” Jesus is essentially saying “the fracture in our relationship is of your choosing, not mine.” This stage is where we can experience the freedom boundaries can provide. Jesus’s lament shows we can make sacrificial effort, have unfulfilled hopes, and yet not be responsible for the impasse. I call this “the pivot” because many of us at this point simply double down when our efforts don’t result in another’s happiness or approval. We blame ourselves and fretfully try another strategy. Jesus instead shows us it’s possible to make effort, have longing, but not wrongly take up another’s responsibility for their contribution to the strife and fracture in a relationship.
In their book Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend give further clarity: “We are to love one another, not be one another . . . I can’t think for you. I can’t behave for you. I can’t work through the disappointment that limits bring for you. In short, I can’t grow for you; only you can . . . (part of) being responsible ‘to’ is not only in giving, but in the setting of limits on another’s destructive and irresponsible behavior. It is not good to rescue someone from the consequences of their, sin, for you will only have to do it again. You have reinforced the pattern (Prov. 19:19).” (Boundaries pp. 86-87)
