Boundaries
The word "Boundaries” is pretty ubiquitous these days, especially in the media. Boundaries are often thought of as a defense against other people like a suit of armor. It can be helpful to think of boundaries in relationships as a healthy expression of connection and an act of love toward ourselves and others. If we are not loving and respectful of ourselves, we cannot love others well. The Lord commands us in Matthew 22:39, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."
We often don't think about boundaries intentionally as we go about our daily life, but we use them all the time. There are many types of boundaries including physical, emotional, intellectual, sexual, material/possessions, and time. In some relationships these boundaries can be confusing, especially if someone in the relationship is unwilling to respect these parameters. It can often feel mean or harsh to talk through these things with other people. When we remember that we are God's "handiwork, created in Christ Jesus" (Eph. 2:10), it allows us to take courage and value our own needs as well as others'. It's a two way street! If you're having trouble with boundaries, it's important to think through your personal boundaries and have gentle but honest conversations.
There are three types of boundary expressions which can vary from relationship to relationship. *Ex.) You can have healthy/secure boundaries with your dad, but have porous boundaries with a particular friend.
Rigid boundaries look like:
- Being closed off to others
- Not sharing any personal information with people, even ones close to you
- Little or no flexibility in what or how you share
- Saying "no" to most things, not thinking through the "why"
Porous boundaries look like:
- Sharing too much personal information with others, even those. you don't know well
- Not being able to say no, people pleasing
- Accepting of abuse
- Others' needs trump your own needs most or all of the time to your own detriment
Healthy/Secure boundaries look like:
- Open to new people and experience
- Knowing yourself well enough to have confidence to know where your limitations are
- Respecting self and others
- Discernment and flexibilty in relationships
Knowing what language to use can be tricky. Here are some helpful tips:
- Plan ahead. It's much more difficult to think through these things and stay
calm in the middle of a conflict. Know how you'd like to handle a situation
beforehand if possible. - Be firm, clear and kind with no room for misunderstanding. * Ex.) No thank you, I'm unavailable during that time, That makes me uncomfortable, etc.You can do this! This is a loving act toward ourselves and the people in our lives.
- If the other person gets upset, do not match their tone or energy. Stay calm.
- If things get too heated or loud, it's ok to take a break or remove yourself from the situation. * Ex.) It looks like things are escalating. Let's talk again when we're both calm.
You can do this! This is a loving act toward ourselves and the people in our lives.
HELPFUL RESOURCE: Boundaries book by Henry Townsend and John Cloud
